This is me.
Hey everyone, wow it’s been a hot minute.
Sometimes a break (longer than intended) is what you need to find your spark. Now I’m not about excuses buuuut I do believe there can be reasonings. I did experience a break up in the winter so that entailed getting a new roommate and taking time to find my true self. I almost kept myself too busy - I took on extra volunteer work including Personal Training Special Olympic Athlete and assistant coaching Girls Senior Soccer. I also took on a few extra contracts requiring me to travel out to surrounding communities giving workshops & presentations on anything & everything Nutrition, Holistic + Healthy Lifestyles plus Fitness. Then I thought it was a really good idea to pick up more serving shifts (gotta hustle while I’m young & “capable”) AND start up my summer job at the golf course again WHILE maintaining my 15hrs per week contract with the British Columbia Schizophrenia Society. All of this while trying to maintain my social life, play soccer 1-2x per week, go to the gym 5-6x per week, feeding myself, attempting to get optimal sleep & ya know the rest of adulting like cleaning & errands. Plus supporting my friends in their pregnancies and life changes within work, travel, weddings, bachelorettes, moving, etc… I am a total people pleaser & put everyones feelings first. But I also take on peoples feelings - a bit of an empath.
When I type this and read it back to myself, all I can see is that I overloaded myself to numb + avoid feelings. My anxiety got worse, I would spend days bed ridden or stress over the simplest of things. A small decision of what to wear would feel like world depended on this decision and weighed on my shoulders. I would have all these great ideas for content but would get as far about visioning them without putting them into action. I have all the tools, I watch all the webinars, I read the books, & I have the support. But my anxiety & fears were holding me back. “What if I don’t get any likes or comments? What if I don’t sign any clients this month? Well someone did something similar, I can’t possibly do it now. What If, What If WHAT IF.” It’s been a vicious cycle that I have created for myself.
I would make these killer recipes, not write them down or take pictures. “It has to be perfect picture.” “I can’t post it now, it was a couple days ago.” “I didn’t post it because……….” Being a perfectionist has been one of my strengths but also a weakness of mine. I’ve had to do a lot of learning to let go & just relax. I am not any where near where I’d like to be with it, it’s harder than you think and it has the opposite effect when people tell you that (fellow anxiety strugglers will understand).
Also, to let my followers, friends, family, clients and the public that I was / am struggling felt like I was admitting to failure. I felt like I failed my goals, expectations, the health & fitness industry and that I wasn’t goof enough. “I don’t have 10,000 followers - must mean I’m not good enough.” “There are so many “nutritionist + personal trainers and I don’t fit in or stand out.” So when I stopped posting, I would beat myself up about it even more and again this vicious cycle followed. It’s extremely debilitating.
I would have moments that I would get so inspired with creative ideas & motivated to do them that I would end up talking myself out of them or allowing my fears to completely debilitate me. My next move would be to do something to distract me to avoid & escape those feelings.
Social Media. Need I say more? As a small business owner it is a great, free tool for marketing & advertisement. I follow other entrepreneurial figures, small business owners, health & fitness influencers, healthy cooking pages, fitness/workout pages, positive energy + spiritual pages….. you get the idea. But as a young female who isn’t completely sure of herself, trying to start a small business, lacking confidence and struggling with fears & anxiety, it’s a black hole of comparisons, judgement, and negative energy. A lot of what you see on social media is incorrect information, photo shopped images and bought likes, comments & followers. Do your research, listen to what speaks to you & realize everything is not as it seems on social media.
I hate to make promises I can’t keep - I let myself & others down & it’s a feeling I don’t do well with. Moving forward I plan to embrace my good days and allow my bad days (instead of fighting them). I’m a work in progress just like my business. But everyday I am making positive changes step by step. Sometimes it’s 3 steps forward or 1 step back, but at least I’m moving.
For those of you that have stuck around, thank you. I appreciate your support beyond words. It’s not easy to be vulnerable but I take pride in being authentically me. This is me.
